Today it's time that I face the crucial fact that I will not live forever. I do not have infinite time at my disposal. I will not be here  in 2121. Whatever my life becomes, and whatever I'm remembered for, will all be completed by January 1, 2121. This I know. 

With that comes the realization that I can't do everything I want to do. Simply walking into a library opens that wound every time. When I see a sailboat rolling offshore, when I hear of someone finishing an Ironman triathlon, when I hear someone has summited Mount Everest. 

I'm sure I'll get some who say "Don't be silly, of course you can do those things, you just have to put your mind to it." It's not that simply silly. I can want it, I can hunger for it, I can need it. But, if I don't dedicate some time to it, it really won't happen. In order for me to dedicate time to some big thing like those I named, I have to remove something I'm doing currently, and this is the rub. 

COVID has forced me to contemplate and decide, though my actions, what I truly love to do. Included in that list is:

• Running/Hiking
• Cycling
• Reading
• Watching Movies
• Crocheting
• Quilting
• Writing
• Motorcycle adventures

The last one was only recently added. I love all of these activities, and my skill varies widely in each of them. Each one I can do until my dying day at a slack pace and be happy. If I never become a master crocheter, I am fine with that. However, not so with writing. I don't want to just write, i want to be a writer. I want to make writing my thing. I don't just want to be a writer, I want to be successful. This is why I'm up at 11:25 on a Saturday night writing in my blog. I need to muster up the courage to write. Here goes. 

online intimacy....

For awhile it seemed facebook could do no wrong. people were posting everything there. I knew when my friends walked into McDonalds, what they had for breakfast, and what they were reading.... at that very moment. Lately, though, facebook has changed. people seem a bit more guarded these days. i see a lot of articles posted, ironically, on facebook, about privacy and whether the sharing of user info violates any agreement, real or perceived between the user and facebook. With all this talk of Snowden, NSA, and wiretaps i guess we can't afford to be anything less than ridiculously vigilant.

This is partly why i find it so jarring that people use facebook, still, to post such intimate details of their lives. I still see husbands posting "i love you sweetie" to their wives on facebook, on their walls (which are, ostensibly, even MORE public than the not-so-secret-as-you'd-assume messaging. When i see this, i am uncomfortable. I think that even more than privacy, we need to be sure that facebook doesn't steal intimacy from us. When i see those questions, i wonder why a person would feel the need to post publicly those kinds of feelings. it makes me think, of course, of the obvious, judgmental reasons:

1. the poster wants to display to the world, just how perfect their relationship is, 
2. he doesn't say these things enough, so feels that a 'public' display of this kind will make up for deficiency elsewhere.
3. she had a fight recently, and hopes to make up for insensitiveness by being overly doting.

These are, of course, terrible assumptions to make about other people. In the end, i'm worse off for thinking them than any of these posters are. however, no matter which way you slice it, posting something this intimate in such a visible place online is weird. 

What touched me off on this was recently i saw a friend post a picture of her kissing her boyfriend. I felt a strange uneasiness looking at it (I only saw it for a split second). It made me even more uncomfortable when i realized her arm was outstretched with the camera away from them. it made me think "are they really kissing and enjoying a moment with each other, or are they staging this: their happiness, their connectedness, their intimacy?

 Why is writing so hard? right now I can’t find exactly what I want to do. it seems I sit down each day with a renewed desire to explore the vast breadth of writing’s freedom, only to be greeted with a blank stare by my brain once my butt hits the seat. It’s as if my mind anticipates the mental exertion and decides to take a preemptive nap. My brain my be narcoleptic. 

I want to say it’s self-editing I have a hard time with. that was true in the beginning. I often determined plot points and mapped things out, only to have my brain recoil in disgust at every word I put to the page. It was utter lunacy. 

Now, it feels like something is different. My goal is to be competent writer in the next 5 years. Competent, to me, means able to write cogent and consistent prose. I want to be able to sit down with a story, a theme, or an argument in mind, and be able to write 300-500 words like a breeze. I want to read my work and feel something. I want to be able to take the story clips I see in my head and attach them to an exciting and active narrative. I want to be able to inspire people with my words. Will this ever happen?

some words about Frozen....

There is an inherent danger in freedom. When we are given freedom we have the choice to choose the wrong thing. This is the dilemma people, parents, and governments have struggled with since the beginning of time. The first story in the Bible is based on this theme. It might be the great dilemma of living on earth.
As I grow older i feel like i have a better grasp on what is 'right' and how to live live after the manner of happiness. I'm grateful for that. However, as i grow older my fear that my children will be able to find that same happiness becomes greater and greater. I worry they won't be able to find jobs. i worry they won't be able to afford a house. i worry that income inequality will drop them into the lower rung of the American caste system forever.
In the end, I will eventually have to let them go. I will have to allow them to find their own way in the world. If they don't become the PHD computer scientist geek psuedo-surfer people i kinda hope they'll become i'll just have to live with it i suppose.
The need to rebel runs deep in all of us. Some are better at suppressing it than others. As I was growing up i felt the need to rebel against a lot of things. Looking back, some of the things i rebelled against seem ludicrous. I rebelled against family time. I rebelled against Church. I rebelled against school. I felt that inside of me was someone who was different from everyone else, and that these things were holding me back from being that person.
That's why i liked the movie Frozen. I've heard the song 'Let it go' about a million times from my daughter. As the time has gone by i've gleaned the words slowly from their caccophonous tune. I finally watched it for the first time tonight, and was able to put context to the words. Since i am a lover of lyrics, let me break it down:

• "Let it go, i can't hold it back anymore": Elsa has something inside of her that she has had to repress for a long time. In 'Frozen' it is her ice powers. She was told they were bad and that she was the cause of her sister getting hurt. She was punished for being different, but she can't allow it to happen anymore.
• "Here i stand": she's ready to put her head up and face anything that comes her way now that she's decided to let it go...
• "The cold never bothered me anyway": first, her 'thing' isn't embarrassing or dangerous to her. Second, she's ready to accept whatever consequences come her way because of her decision to let it go.

It's a great set of lyrics, and i can see why it's hit such a deep nerve with the younger ones especially. It's catchy, and the theme is one that is universal. Everyone wants to rebel. Kids want to rebel against their parents, parents want to rebel against their lives, and workers want to rebel against their boss. It speaks a truth that few of us would admit to ourselves, let alone those we love.  However, many of us live our lives by the fact that those around us have chosen not to rebel, but have chosen to be responsible for their actions. 

One of my favorite parts of the movie was when Olaf was next to the fire. Anna needed to be by the fire to be saved. Olaf told her to warm up by the fire. Anna replies "but you'll melt". He turned to her and said "some people are worth melting for". That's the crux of the whole movie. Some people are worth melting for. Some people are worth sacrificing for. Some people are worth not rebelling against our baser human nature and living a life perhaps different from what we imagined for ourselves as young, romantic teenagers full of big ideas. 

However, as Elsa finds out later, it's love that can transform those things we hide into things that become useful and awesome about ourselves. Once she was able to start using her power she finally figures out how to control it, and how to keep it from hurting those around her. That was the point where she was able to come to terms with who she is and be happy. Sometimes we can have it both ways, but we must be willing to sacrifice if we can't.

It's that kind of sacrifice that allows us to sustain love in our lives. It's what allows us to show those around us that they're worth something to us. 

Sometimes we have to change who we are to show love, but some people are worth it.

i love musical lyrics. they are like 'poetry' to me. maybe it's a generational thing. 

Some lyrics have this ability to make me understand and feel what the singer is going through. I find little nuggets of truth in many songs, both mainstream and not. There are some lyrics that make me laugh, like:

"And if a double-decker bus, crashes into us... to die by your side, is such a heavenly way to die, and if a ten-ton truck, kill the both of us, to die by your side, well, the pleasure, the privilege is mine!"
(There is a light that never goes out by the Smiths)
This song makes me feel what it's like to passionately love someone. I love my wife this way, but with the day-to-days of life it is easy to forget about the passion and the burning craziness of fresh love. The sentiment is there, but it can get buried beneath soccer games and family dinners. This song reminds me of the passion that is, or ought to be, burning below the surface. it makes me strive harder to achieve it on a regular basis, because the flame of love can easily be extinguished, or at least dimmed, by time.

Some lyrics make me cry, like
"Early morning, April 4th, shot rings out in Memphis sky. Free at last! They took your life, they could not take your pride!"
("In the name of Love" by U2)
This song reminds me of the importance of sacrifice. It reminds me that it is more important to be a good person and to live with a clear conscience than it is to please the masses. Our culture focuses too often on life in quantity rather than quality. Better to have lived 30 years according to your convictions than 60 years outside of them. Martin Luther King was not loved by everyone, but he died a hero, and he changed the world. I hope i can do the same, in my own little way. and some make me shake my fist at 'the man', like
"Now nothing in the streets, looks any different to me, and the soldiers are replaced, by the by... and parting on the left, is now parting on the right, and the beards have all grown longer overnight... "
("We won't be fooled again" by the Who)
This song reminds me that for every political view i hold, conservative or liberal, there is someone out there with an opposite view, and that to them i am just as awry as they are to me. It helps me remember that i should be more patient with people who don't agree with me, and try seeing issues from a different perspective.

These words speak to me. I find emotional truth in them. 

Captain Phillips...

Tonight i saw Captain Phillips with Tom Hanks. As I arrived home my wife asked me: "how was the movie?". my reply: "Terrible".

This was an incredible movie. I shed tears over it. i spent most of the last 45 minutes nervously twitching my fingers. The tension built, and built, and built.... it was almost unbearable at times. my feelings must have been a small glimmer of the hell this man suffered in these terrible hours of his life.

However, this is not why i said it was terrible. There is something much worse in this movie than the American who's life is held at ransom by 4 terrorists. The problem with this movie is also its greatest strength, and that is the horror of the situation no matter which way you look at it. From Captain Phillip's perspective it is horrible, from the Somali's perspective it is horrible.

Life is easy when we can take people and stuff them away into neat little pigeonholes. At dinner tonight, before the movie, i was talking to a friend about this very subject. it is so easy to take a cursory look at someone, asses their visible traits, and make judgement calls. It is as easy as eating donuts and considering ourselves fed. However, like the donuts, this type of judgement works in the short-term, but can be very detrimental over the long-term. Eventually we have to resort to something more filling.

it is not hard, in today's world, to keep everyone at arm's length. facebook enables us to have friends without the emotional investment of any actual, tangible relationship. Texting enables us to communicate without being heard. Movies, TV, and music allow us to commandeer the emotions and feelings of others, without benefitting from the experience of any true emotion. Like the donuts, living in this way will never satisfy long-term. Eventually we must let real emotions enter into our lives.

I am reminded of the allegory of the cave. If i remember correctly, the hypothesis is that once the person is brought out of the cave and presented with a dog, he will not recognize it as such and will, in fact, argue that it is not a dog, but that a dog is the shadow, shaped like a dog, that he has up until now seen on the wall in the cave. We too, as humans, must come out of our proverbial caves. We must, for our own good, allow ourselves to risk hurt by investing in real emotions and relationships. We must learn to call a cat a cat, and a dog a dog. What i mean by this is that we must start to see reality for what it is.

We live in a privileged society. I watch every day as people bicker and fight about trivialities that make no sense. I am no better. I worry about how i will be able to take my kids snowboarding this winter with ticket prices at 50+ bucks a pop. I wonder how will i be able to pay for a big shed i have planned in my backyard, and how i will be able to find the time to go surfing with all the work i have to do both at work and at home.

However, there is a big world out there. Captain Phillips made me think about it once again. I have been to Santiago, Chile. I have seen poverty. I empathize with the plight of the poor inasmuch as i am able. I understand, i think, the cycle of poverty that envelopes the minds and spirits of a large percentage of the world. I understand, i think, the desperation that drives many to commit crimes, against themselves and others, in order to somehow escape their predicament.

I was not prepared, though, to be shown a situation such as what exists for these people in Somalia. I was not prepared to hear that the only work that exists there is fishing and piracy. These were living, breathing people brought to life on the screen such as i have rarely seen. These were people with complex decisions to make, all of which boiled down to a few simple questions: Is piracy worse than starving to death? How far will i go to eat? How far will i go to get some respect?

Yes, folks, this was a terrible movie. It made me remember, again, that war is hell. I hope that i never have to hear about anyone cheering when *spoiler* the pirates are killed. This is ambiguous morality at its best/worst. I see why they had to be killed. I see why it had to happen, but it sure sucks. This situation one where no one wins. Sure, Captain Phillips is *spoiler* returned alive. That is good. However, these Somalis demise was just as miserable as their lives. They live in a forsaken desert with NOTHING around. Their homes and very lives are controlled by ruthless warlords. The men have no power. There is no government. Is literally hell on earth.

In almost any other movie the bad guys would have been pigeonholed. They would be a ruthless band of cutthroat black people, taking advantage of the white people and trying to steal their money. In that movie the SEAL team could have a glorious battle, fighting it out with the last man standing on the top of the boat in a fight to the death with the toughest SEAL. In the end, the Somali would pull some cheap fighting move to which the SEAL would counter-attack, strike hard and fast, and end it with a nice quip about American superiority. That would get the crowd cheering. Captain Phillips is not that movie.

In the end, it left me feeling uneasy about Somalia. It left me mourning all the senseless loss of life and the years and years of benighted hell that will prevail in that part of the year for an indeterminate number of years. How can any good thing come from such madness? I have no answer for you, or for myself.

However, for now i am content to mull it over. I think that is what the movie hoped to accomplish. Nothing is as simple as our prejudices and bad judgement thinks it is.

You can't go home...

I've heard the phrase "You can't go home"  before, but i don't have any context for it. I don't know if it comes from a book, movie, jargon, proverb, idiom...etc. However, i completely understand it. I 'get' it. It seems that i, and probably all of us, spend a lot of time in life trying , mostly unsuccessfully, to 'go home'.

I am a bit of a jealous friend. However, i don't mean that in the psycho girlfriend sort of way. i mean the 'jealous' definition that is 5th in line on dictionary.com. I mean i jealously maintain communication with old friends. I strive to keep that contact alive, despite what seems to me, in many cases, little to no reciprocation in some cases.

 I love people, and i especially love my friends, many of whom have had profound effects on my life for good or bad. I am happy and grateful for the person i am now. All of the friends from my past have had some small part in that, so i thank them.

Although i try to maintain contact with many friends, my contact is as diverse as the relationships we once shared. Some friends get a phone call, some get a message on facebook, some get a visit.

The responses i get to this contact are extremely diverse as well. Some respond with enthusiasm, some with mild amusement, and some with head-patting patronization. The one that makes me laugh is when people end their facebook messages with "I hope all is well". That was a tricky phrase to decipher. When i first encountered it I actually responded about how things were, and never received a response. I was confused by this, so i let it roll around in my head for awhile. Then, i started seeing that phrase, or some mutation of it, in many of my old-time-friend correspondences.

i've come to realize that "I hope all is well" translates roughly to: "I am glad you wrote, but only to the extent that i can keep you at arm's length via facebook. I truly care how you are, but not enough to actually be interested in it". It is the modern equivalent of the tersely spoken "How's it going?".

I love to talk. I can talk for hours. Even with people i don't know or just met. I enjoy getting whatever insight i can into their lives, life in general, and any theme extending from that source through our interaction, however short it may be. I enjoy discussing, debating, and deconstructing life, pop culture, history, politics, religion... just about anything.

Contrary to popular belief, i don't speak just to hear my voice. I am intrigued by the views of others. I often apply the arguments gained in these conversations to my own life. I often alter my viewpoints to some degree because some friend made a rousing argument. I think it is one of God's great blessings to have a loving family and friends. I think of my good friends as family.

So, when i get together with my close friends we go from topic to topic. One minute we discuss politics, the next we're talking about some movie we may or may not see... comic books, the economy, Republicans Vs Democrats, the nature of the soul....etc. I enjoy all of it.

I have found though, with older friends that i'm reacquainting myself with years later, this isn't always the case. It is a strange thing, to be gone from someone's life for so long and then return suddenly, bursting onto the scene. It is jarring, and i have read that shock in many of my friend's reactions when their expectation of our reunion does not meet mine.

That's not to say that i am expecting too much necessarily (at least, as far as i can tell). When i reunite with a friend after a long absence, i am looking to catch up on their lives and my own during the absence, then attempt to glean some of that dearly-treasure wisdom gained in that absence.

I have a good friend who was a big part of my life for many years. He helped me create part of what i am today through his thoughtful and sincere example. We've been separated for years by distances both large and small.

*Update* in the course of writing this i discovered that "You can't go home again" is a novel by Thomas Wolfe, and has been added to the front of my book reading queue...