What is it about high school that evokes such an emotional response? I've lived more of my life after high school graduation than before, and yet there is something about those 4 short years that still, admittedly, has some kind of a hold on me emotionally.
Now, i'm not saying I wear my varsity jacket around town. I don't hang out at Taco Bell anymore, asking where the parties are. I don't daydream about the good ole' days when i could throw this football over them mountains (I NEVER could, actually). However, there is still something magical and sinister about those 4 years of my life. Something that i guess i'll never let go of completely.
High school was a miserable experience for me in many ways, and an awesome experience in others. I, like so many of my classmates (whether they admit it or not), was so self-conscious it almost strangled me most of the time. I was not cool, but i was frequently in the company of the cool kids. It was a weird experience. it was like living in a meat factory, but going hungry. The popular girls were all around me, but i could not partake. The impressions that some of my friends and cohorts left are burned deep into my soul for good and bad.
Facebook has brought this fact into amazing clarity for me. I have, over the course of my Facebook career, 'friended' a couple of people with whom i was good/great friends with in high school. I thought they would enjoy a conversation, over messages, about how life has been, what they've been up to, where they are now...etc. However, i'm finding that this is rarely the case. My friends have changed, or maybe i've changed? When i see pictures of them, all i see is the person i used to know. All i have are the memories. One friend with whom i do connect from time to time proves this point. We get together and all we talk about are memories. We really don't even talk about what's happening now, we just rehash old memories, and usually the same ones over and over. It seems we have this tacit agreement that we won't get too close now, but that days gone by are fair game. It's fun and yet frustrating.
There are other people i've friended who i never would have friended if Facebook had been available in 1993. This is where i feel the full power of the emotional hold this time still holds on me. It's not very powerful, but it is real. There are some people that, when i see their face, even 18 years later, i can't stand the sight of it. Most of these feelings stem from specific experiences. Maybe one tried to pick a fight with me, or called me a name or whatever or stole my girlfriend. Many of those feelings came back to me as i viewed the profiles of some of these 'friends'.
I am a forgiving person. I don't hold grudges. Life is too short to stay angry with anyone. That is not what i'm talking about here. I don't have a "to kill" list or anything like that. These feelings weren't overpowering or even what i'd call strong, but they were there, they were real, they were palpable. Is this what a psychologist would call "unresolved issues"? Maybe, but i don't think so. I think it's more like how if you ate a Chicken soft taco from Taco Bell and then puked, no matter how long you live you'd probably wouldn't be able to eat another one without that feeling coming back to some extent, no matter how faint. This isn't a matter of letting go, it's a matter of some feelings being felt more acutely than others.
There is another class of 'friends' in my list, when considering high-school chums. These are the people for which the tables are turned with me from the above. When i browsed their profiles, memories came flooding back of myself behaving badly, to some degree or another. There are some people who requested to be my 'friend' and i thought "wow, i can't believe it!". I knew how to take it in high school, but i also learned how to dish it out. I ruined a lot of friendships with guys and girls by being stupid, lame, inconsiderate...etc. Some of those memories bring back real feelings of guilt and shame. "How could i have treated him/her that way?", "Why did i do that?", "What was i thinking?" are just some of the questions i've asked myself when browsing their profiles. Here's an anonymous list of stupid things i've done, by NO means complete:
-picked a fight with a guy i otherwise thought was nice because someone told me he liked the girl i was dating
-took a girl to a dance, then didn't dance with her because i was acting lame. i have no excuse.
-stole my best friend's girl.
-punched (another) best friend because i didn't want to look like a chump in front of others
-etc etc etc
But what to do? I can't very well ask for forgiveness, can i? Things are different now. If i asked forgiveness, i'd probably end up in the awkward position of explaining to that person what i was even talking about. I'm sure most of them have forgotten about those experiences already, right? I'm sure that, by 'friending' me now, we have agreed, to some extent or another, that bygones are bygones, that all is water under the bridge.
If they knew me now, i'm sure we'd be better friends. i've grown up a lot since those days. I've changed. I've tried to become a better person. I've learned how to treat my friends and those around me. I'm the same person on the outside, but the person inside in almost no way resembles that shy, insecure kid of 18+ years ago. I am sure that, if we met today, those people would give me the benefit of the doubt. They would see me for who i really am now, and not remember the jerk i was then. They would totally see that i'm not that guy anymore...
wouldn't they.....?
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